SECTION 1: INTRODUCTION

Talofa, Malo e lelei, Bula vinaka and welcome to smart social media! In this module we are going to look at the impact that social media has on you as a rugby player, as an individual and you as a partner and family man. Thank you for taking the time to invest in this module.

Most of us know how addictive social media can be. In fact, around 65% of people over 13 are on social media throughout the world! The average time someone spends on social media is around 2 hours 27 minutes. In the peak of my addiction I was clocking up 5-7 hours a day on my phone!

My name is Tony Laulu and I will be sharing my experiences, guiding you along what I have learnt about social media but more importantly guiding you through some practical solutions on how to make your social media experience a positive one. In this section I will share with you how it all started.

SECTION 2: WHY I GOT ADDICTED – FASCINATION WITH SOCIAL MEDIA AND TECHNOLOGY AND THE ADDICTION TO VALIDATION.

It all started when I got my first smart phone in 2012. Before that I only had button phones so any access I needed to the internet I had to be on a desktop or laptop. I was so fascinated by this smart phone that I had because it allowed me access to social media, YouTube, messenger, Google, texts and phone calls, everything I ever needed online was now found on a device in my pocket.

In my childhood and teen years, I grew up not receiving many compliments from my parents. I’m sure I wasn’t a bad kid, but I never heard ‘I love you’ much or ‘Son, I’m proud of you’. This unknowing to me really impacted the way I looked at myself moving into my 20’s. So when I discovered social media and in particular Facebook (and it might be Instagram for you) I discovered I could put up a photo and 100 people could like it, 10 people would comment on how awesome I was or how proud they were of me. Compliments and validation that I had been searching for my whole childhood!

This was the start of my downward spiral. I started to rely heavily on social media to build my character, my self-esteem, my self-image, even my identity. I would use the amount of likes and comments I would get determine how good of a man I was.

Escapism – the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.

Escapism describes exactly what I had gotten from social media. I was relying on social media to escape my day to day reality – I was addicted. Simply put ‘social media addiction’ is a behavioural addiction that is led by an uncontrollable urge to use social media, and dedicate so much time and effort to social media that it distracts and affects other areas of one’s life.

What are some things that makes us addicted to social media?

Social validation:

The human need to feel connected. All of us know what it’s like to be in a village setting or around a lot of family and friends who we identify with whether you’re from the islands or not. This validation is an important part to our existence. However when it comes to social media we now feel the need to constantly be actively involved in the online community. That in itself can become an addictive issue as now you have to live in two worlds.

Tip: ‘Social media is not real life’. It is just a snapshot of a small moment in someone’s life. Remind yourself that true connection and relationships are best developed face to face. Social media then does not become the focus but more to supplement relationships and connections rather than being the main form of relationship building or establishing connection.

Fear of missing out (FOMO):

This is very real. This is why a lot of people can’t stay away or off social media for long periods of time. It’s the fear you will miss an important post, something funny, important information or just miss being nosey. It’s the fear that you won’t be ‘in the know’ about what’s going on in the social media world. This is another way social media keeps us engaged and addicted.

Tip: Whatever you’re looking for on social media will be there later, it can wait. Enjoy exercising discipline but not having to check your phone every few minutes.

Online Ego (Constantly ‘Flexing’):

There is no issues with posting up about yourself or whatever you like. What you need to understand is why are you doing it and who are you doing it for? Social media is a platform we love to display the perfect part of ourselves. Perfect pictures, perfect scenery, perfect relationships, perfect food and so on. The online ego is very different to the person in real life. Consider asking yourself if you do the same amount of self-promotion in real life as you do online. Finding the right balance is key but also answering those questions: Why are you doing it and who are you doing it for?

Tip: Ask yourself, am I posting to make people envious and for the sole purpose of showing a life I don’t live? Ask yourself what am I gaining from posting this? Would I portray the same message in real life?

Social comparison and self-esteem issues:

This is a dead set trap if we do not take the time increase our own awareness about how we feel and behave online. Because social media is a place where we mostly show the ‘best side’ of ourselves we have a temptation to compare ourselves to other people. As a rugby player you may be comparing yourself to other rugby players that have a slightly better opportunity than you, comparing your life to others, your partner and family to others that you see online. It is very important that you keep checking in with your feelings and how your social media experience influences how you see yourself and those around you. Remember, not everything you see on social media is real, so stop comparing yourself to something that isn’t entirely true!

Tip: Unfollow, unlike, unfriend anything that makes you feel insecure, negative, or less of yourself. Also, it’s a good idea to start realizing that a lot of what is on social isn’t real/true. I know it may look or seem perfect but please remember that sometimes it’s just an act.

From: https://www.keepitusable.com/blog/psychology-of-social-networks-what-makes-us-addicted/

SECTION 3: THE IMPACTS OF SOCIAL MEDIA ADDICTION.

At its worst, the impact I allowed social media to have on my life was awful. It effected almost every part of my life because of how addicted and dependant I had become on social media. Here are some of the ways my use of social media impacted my life.

Show casing a life online that isn’t really real

This became difficult when the life I was displaying online became very different from the life I was living. I looked totally happy and living life to the fullest online yet in reality I was happy some of the time but I was mostly dealing with relationship issues, personal issues and financial issues.

The amount of time I was on it

I was clocking up anywhere between 5 to 7 hours a day on my phone. This is someone who works full time and has a family! I let it rob me of my time daily. I was picking up my phone at almost every chance. It distracted me from time I should be being present with my son.

The impacts it had on my relationship

The instant access and ability social media provides for people to look through other peoples (woman’s) profiles or message them is very easy. I started to become envious and jealous of other people’s lives, relationships. I would compare myself, my wife and my life to family, friends, and people I would see on social media. The amount of snooping through other woman’s profiles was something I did often.

Getting caught

It was an ugly part of my life. Something I am embarrassed about. Being found out by a partner about my secret communications online with other woman. It had a massive impact on my marriage. The impact of secrecy and the mess it creates is very real.

How I saw the world

Social media can really distort you from the truth. There is so much information or misinformation online that it can really be difficult for us to believe what is real and what isn’t. We live in a time where the community on social media wants you to have an opinion about everything. We must be mindful that firstly what it provides is at times a one-sided point of view. Secondly, it can be very distracting from your family, career, and other meaningful priorities.

Social media can be a good place to be informed initially. However, it should probably not be the place you solidify an opinion about a group of people, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religious affiliation and so on.

The impact it may be having on you as a rugby player

There are many way’s social media may be impacting you as a rugby player. For example:

  • The amount of time you spend communicating with fans and friends that take over other priorities.
  • The temptations of female fans and admirers when you have your own family.
  • Sharing a post or opinion on your personal views and having the social media public ridicule you.
  • Dealing with online bullying and people who talk bad about you and/or your performance as a rugby player.
  • Dealing with racial/racist attacks online towards you and/or family.
  • Online betting.

What are some things you can do to improve your social media experience?

  • Making your page private.
  • Understanding what you are needing or seeking on social media.
  • Finding the right balance with everything you need to do in your life and being on social media.
  • Being more self-aware and understanding that as an athlete people and fans may say things that are offensive to you. Your job is to ignore that or build your online resilience.
  • Understanding that racism still exists in some places in the world and that at times you cannot control what people say about you in person and online.
  • Simply not be on your phone as much as usual.

SECTION 4: THE TURNING POINT

My son. My son was the turning point.
He asked me one day what I was looking at on my phone. It didn’t mean much to me at that point in time but over the next few weeks and months I started asking myself “what am I doing on my phone?.” To be honest probably about 95% of the time it was nothing important. I was either being a nosey guy on social media, or I was watching something from YouTube, or playing some game or surfing the internet.

I started to realize that I had allowed this device and social media to rob me of my time! I was an absolute distraction! Who allowed it though? Me, I did. And now, as explained at had impacted almost every part of my life. As soon as I made this realization I committed to change! I was really embarrassed at how bad it was, so I went looking for help. At this time there was minimal to no help so I had to figure this out myself, how do I stop being so consumed and addicted by social media.

The next year and a half was spent studying and reading about this. Finding out why I was so addicted and reliant on social media. One of the biggest learnings I had was that social media was my escape. Part of the reason why people turn to things like alcohol, drugs, gambling and so on is to supress and escape reality. We want to escape from life we are living and use our phones to occupy hour after hour in a day to escape.

BALANCE IS KEY.

We don’t get taught how to find the right balance on the digital world. That’s why screen time continues to increase year by year. Having the right balance involved discipline. It involves you deliberately leaving your phone in the other room when you are home. It involves leaving it in the car sometimes when you take the kids out or go to dinner. Discipline involves not having your phone on you or in your hand when talking to someone, it involves making sure when you are on social media that it is mostly a positive experience.

In the next section we will explore this in depth so that you have a few tips on how to attain this balance.

SECTION 5: PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS AND SUGGESTIONS

If you are up to this point and realize that you need to make some changes to your social media and maybe even gaming usage then this section will offer a few tips on how to establish some balance to your life. It is very important to have this balance because of the addictive nature social media can have. 

Here are some tips to establish the right balance:

1- Acknowledgment.

You need to be honest with yourself. I think you will know deep down if you are spending too much time on social media, on your phone, or playing games. Acknowledging that you have an issue is the first step to implementing any of these solutions.

Average amount of time (in hours and minutes) that internet users aged 16 to 64 spend using the internet each day on any device.

2- Family meeting about it if you are living with a partner and family. Establishing ground rules.

If you have a partner and/or family it’s so important to start having these conversations with them. Here are some examples of questions to start you of with:
Do you think I’m on my phone too much?
How does it feel when you see me on my phone a lot?
What are some rules we can have here at home when it comes to screen time? (E.g. no phones at the dinner table, no phones or screens in the rooms if you have children, leave all phones on the bench when at home and not on you).
Establishing these rules in your home or for yourself will go a long way with you establishing that right balance and discipline.

3- Spring clean & audit.

As islanders, we all know how to clean! In terms of social media it’s important to make sure you’re experience on there is a mostly positive one. To spring clean on social media means to go through EVERYONE, and EVERYTHING you follow and start to decide who and what to unfriend and unfollow. A lot of us a following pages and people we don’t even care about or stay in contact with. Our newsfeed is so full of unnecessary information because we’ve collected, liked, and added all these people over the years and most times are unaware about how much useless stuff we follow. I GAVE this challenge out earlier this year and I had one student earlier this year unfollow 600 people! These are 600 people he had no real attachment too and had followed over time.
It’s time to spring clean.

4- Duration reminders on FB & IG.

On Facebook and Instagram there are reminder settings on there where you can set a timer to remind you on how long you have been on those particular apps. I set mine at 30 minutes for each of them. I would imagine yours may be similar or can be a bit less if you like! It’s important to have these as a gentle reminder on how long you have just spent on your phone and on social media.

To set an alert for Instagram:

Tap Your Activity, then tap Set Daily Reminder. 

Choose an amount of time and tap Set Reminder.

Tap OK.

To set an alert for Facebook:

Tap Settings & Privacy

Select Your Time on Facebook

Tap Set Daily Time Reminder. 

Choose an amount of time.

5- Cell phone etiquette/manners.

This one is huge lately! Having good cell phone etiquette is so important these days. We’ve all spoken to a friend or family member who is sort of talking to us but also constantly looking at their phone too. This might even be you! This in all honesty is a sign of disrespect. It shows the other person they do not have your full attention.


Here is a starter tip when it comes to that:

When talking to ANYONE, friend, partner, teammates, children etc. your phone should be out of sight. Unless it’s an absolute emergency then that’s fine but most times you do not need your phone in your hand when communicating with others.

6- Online haters.

As a rugby player you will constantly be under the spotlight. Two bad games and you will definitely hear about it on social media. BUT you will know a lot about it if YOU go looking for it. Building online resilience is very important because of the nature of your profession. What a lot of these people have to say is just a reflection of their character, not yours. Do not take online criticism to heart. If you do come across it, remember that a lot of them are ‘trolls’ who operate behind fake pages and love to stir hatred online. You may wonder sometimes why they do it, and why would they say that, in all honesty, I’m not sure if it’s worth finding out either.

Control what you can control!

If you have done Tip 3 correctly you shouldn’t be coming across too much of this. People may also message you with negative things to say but please remember to stay cool and remember it’s their problem not yours. If it’s affecting you mentally and emotionally please reach out to either Pacific Rugby Players or Tony at Digital Discipline for support. We are here to help you through these experiences, you do not have to do it alone.

7- Follow DD for additional help.

If you need constant reminders and content to keep you accountable for your social media use please follow me on Facebook, Instagram or LinkedIn. I would love to hear from you if you need any additional support or help with social media inquiries.

You can also contact me on tony@digitaldiscipline.co.nz 

Now that you have been through this module I hope now you are at a level of awareness that whenever you are on your phone for long periods of time it can be justified and that you are aware of the impact that it has on your life and those around you. I wish you Gods favour and grace upon you and your family and all the best in your rugby career. Please consider and apply what you have learnt in this module so that you can have the right level of discipline with your phone, social media and gaming so that the right balance in your life can be achieved.

Reminder, if you need help please reach out to either Pacific Rugby Players or Tony at Digital Discipline. You can contact Tony at tony@digitaldiscipline.co.nz for support. 

Reference List

Griffiths, M. D. (2018, May 7). Addicted to Social Media? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/blog/in-excess/201805/addicted-social-media

 

Kemp, S. (2020, August 10).  More than half of the people on earth now use social media. Hootsuite. https://blog.hootsuite.com/simon-kemp-social-media/

 

Psychology of Social Networks: What makes us addicted? (n.d.). Keepitusable

https://www.keepitusable.com/blog/psychology-of-social-networks-what-makes-us-addicted/

 

Social media stats Oceania: Aug 2019-Aug 2020. (n.d.). StatCounter. http://gs.statcounter.com/social-media-stats/all/oceania

 

The common sense census: Media use by tweens and teens. (2015). https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/uploads/research/census_researchreport.pdf

OR

Joe Rogan Podcast (5 minutes): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAxtwHpMmuw